I have been taking anti-depressants for about two years, I guess. And I like them. I don't think happiness is a great goal (fulfillment seems like a better goal, which will probably include some happiness, but happiness isn't the main pursuit). I have a part of me that is consistently sad, and has been for as long as I can remember, and I don't think that that part needs to be eradicated. I like that part of myself. However, sometimes the sadness takes over for mysterious reasons that don't have to do with real life and these nice little pills help limit unhealthy thinking and make the healthy thinking I try to adopt more real and possible.
But, sometimes I just stop taking my medicine. I don't know why. It's not a super-conscious choice, but it's not a complete accident either. Sometimes I just don't feel like I need it. But then, after a little bit, I just don't feel well and I recognize that I am having unhealthy thoughts that are not grounded in reality. And that goes on for a little bit and then I start taking my medicine again. And I get to experience the side effects once again! Like right now, which is why I am typing away on the internet at 4:30 in the morning instead of sleeping like I want to be.
Tonight I am getting together with a little group of friends. We are writing scary stories and we were supposed to share our first drafts tonight, but it looks like no one is prepared so my friend suggested we hang out and "eat candy and talk about gross/scary stuff" instead. Sounds good to me. Except maybe not candy. Eating sounds gross to me right now.
The other day I was walking down Fullerton, near DePaul, and an SUV full of college students drove by and one of them screamed at me out the window, "are you a boy or a girl?" I am kind of andro-looking from afar, especially if I am wearing a coat. So, it is not surprising to me that someone might wonder about my gender, but it is weird that they would care. Or scream it at me from their car. I wasn't offended in a "my feelings are hurt" way, but more in a, "wow, you are ignorant and trying (unsuccessfully) to be hurtful" way.
Oh man, I am lying in bed next to a sleeping NB and he just laughed in a really creepy way. He talks/makes noises in his sleep fairly regularly (earlier he was talking to me about a letter in his sleep), but that laugh was just disconcerting. I am going to go make sure he is not a demon/try to go back to sleep.
