Golden Nugget

My grandpa died last week.  He was 94 years old.  He had been married to my grandma for over 70 years.  He started two small businesses and they both still exist.  He loved motorcycles and fishing and golfing.  He served in WWII and received a Bronze Star.  He saw every continent except Antarctica.  He loved polka music and doing things himself and collecting things.

The wake was last Sunday and the funeral was on Monday.  With the exception of my terrible aunt who I had not seen in 15 years being there, it was really nice.  My grandma did awesome.  She was exhausted and sad, but not overcome.  That was a big relief.  The service was good.  My brother and I did the eulogy together.  It was really hard and I was glad we were together.

I sat with my grandma during the wake.  She and my uncle made a bet over whether there'd be more people at the wake or the funeral, so she wanted me to count everyone who came in.  140 people came to the wake.  It was interesting to hear the variety of things that people said.  A few people said he was gone too soon.  Which yeah, it sucks when a good person dies because you miss them, but too soon?  He was six weeks away from his 95th birthday.  That is a really long life.  And he didn't feel well and was unhappy at the end.  It was not too soon.

After the funeral, I got sick with a terrible stomach virus.  My dad, brother, and three of my cousins also got sick.  It was pretty intense.  On day three I finally went to the doctor and got an anti-nausea shot (in my right butt cheek), which helped immensely.

Two days before the wake, my very dearest friend moved out of state.  She herself has been going through a rough time and had been spending a lot of time with me and NB.  She'd been spending the night at our apartment a lot.  It's weird that she's gone.

The last two weeks have been strange.  I feel weird and moody and out of control.  When I laugh it is too hard and I almost start crying.  I feel like I'm failing.  Last night I dreamed that I went into a shop and got kicked out for laughing too hard and being hysterical.  I flung myself out of the shop and stumbled across the road, unable to stop.  I fell into a ditch.  It was snowing.  I knew I'd probably die of hypothermia, but I couldn't stop laughing and coordinate my muscles to stand.

I feel overly-tender and I'm fucking over it.